What is this feeling?

No, seriously, what is this feeling I'm feeling right now? After what I found out.. Hmm..
To say I'm sad would be misleading, to say that I am embarrassed would be taking it too hard on myself and could complicate things further.. And to say I was at the losing end would be entirely untrue because in fact I proved to myself (and candice, LOL, keedz) that I can be better and stronger and on my way.. OK I AM GETTING OUT OF POINT! I always end up relating how Candice Swanepoel inspires me, LOL, I bet everyone is bored of my Candice talk by now... I don't really care, but okay, I'm starting again aren't I? OOPS? But how is it I couldn't sleep last night until the tears rolled out? I guess tears can mean anything.

Anyway yea.. I feel like I should never have gone, it wasn't supposed to be my night. I mean, his choice should be the one that matters first cuz it's his graduation social thingy.. Now I really hope the next time I won't be asked, it would be so embarrassing now I could go cuz his invitation was redirected to me instead.. It does hurt a little cuz its kinda embarrassing like, even though I accepted cuz I thought I was helping, but in fact the opportunity for me to help was not really given to me because it was supposed to be mine but rather it was someone else who gave it to me. Okay, am I even making sense here? Does anyone get me? hahah!

I like talking to myself like this lol. Helps me to organize my thoughts and move on eventually.

But honestly I'm just glad I had a reason to dress up and kick start my life long journey of trying to (even though I know it's really impossible cause I'm Asian) get a body like my idol Candice.S! haha! Yay me!

Anw yea, I finally took my NAPFA test yesterday!!! I Silver award yay! But they have yet to update my NPAL account :( I went without my classmates, was supposed to go with them again on the coming Monday but I was really skeptical about it raining on Monday cuz for 5 weeks of school I was able to go have my Monday morning runs and it will rain in the evening. 5 weeks of the same weather trend, what are the odds right? So yea, plus the weather yesterday evening was really breezy, dewy and clear for a run! So, I dragged myself there alone despite how exhausted I was due to lack of sleep.

Here are my scores:
Inclined Pull-ups: 11
Sit-ups: 50
Shuttle Run: 11.5s
Standing Broad Jump: 1st attempt - 169cm, 2nd attempt - 169cm :(
Sit & Reach: 46cm
2.4km Run: 15:54 min

Okay, so the tester actually told me that I could've stopped long a go but I wasn't notified cuz the system was slow and I kinda lost count so I actually ran a total of 7/6 laps??! =.="

So yea, although that's not my best 2.4 timing but I'm quite surprised that I came in below 16mins without my music player :D

My SBJ was disappointing but what ever, it still falls under grade D even if I did as well as on Wed. So yea haha!

My Sit & Reach was always A, so yea and I am always flexible.. So this just goes to show that my body isn't as long as what my friends say YAY! hahaha! Cuz you know normally if you could bend over with ur chest touching your thighs like mine you'd probably be getting >50cm for that station lol.

So yea, was a new experience going myself and with my class, cuz yesterday there were more BA, HMS and LSCT students? Meaning more girls. And man, are those girls competitive. But they are also very supportive of each other. Although you can really tell they feel insecure about themselves. It's like seeing a bunch of my younger self at ballet class LOL! Always saying something along the lines of "OMG i suck at this, I never did well in this but yea I guess it's fine, better than not trying right?" lol, like having to console myself and self motive AND hoping your friends get the hint to not judge you too harshly. #CONFESSIONSOFAGIRL

Yupyup, so after Napfa I went to have dinner at Sakae Sushi with Ruban and Charles (that's when I found out some little stuff that stirred up some weird feelings lol), and then some girls gave us free movie passes which expires at midnight so I invited Gabriel and Iggy to watch Captain Phillips (BEST SHOW MUST WATCH! Esp, my fellow Keppel interns!) with me since Rubz and Charles were tired.

NAPFA cancelled URGHHHH!!

So disappointed with the weather today! Urghhh!! Did all 5 stations and was ready to run my 2.4 and it had to rain =.= it's still raining right now, at 7:10pm they told us that the 2.4 was cancelled due to the rain so this means my results for my 5 items were void! Like wtf!!! A miracle happened today for my Standing Broad Jump! I actually managed to first jump 167cm on my first attempt, and 171 on my second! Like WHAT IN THE WORLD?! In the history of my napfa I have never once jumped further than 160cm please. I think once I did jump like 163cm but I think I cheated on that haha, otherwise I would at least be proud of it. I guess what Nas said was true, he comforted me by saying "don't worry la, on the day itself u will magically be able to jump one." And it was so true! Haha! I just told myself that I am gonna jump over the mat like my life depended on it, and pushed myself off like a frog lol and threw my how body forward haha! Anw, was glad that I finally overcame my fear of sbj, and I'm sure (okay I hope!) I can do it again now since I sorta did train for it. I jumped up the stairs like what Ponggy told me to do, until my toe turned black lol. So yeah there it was, anw I hope it doesn't rain next Monday otherwise I'd be so pissed!! My period is coming next week and I'm afraid I'd be too tired by the end of the sch day to take napfa so please don't rain on Monday please!!!

Here's my scores for the 5 stations today, I'm 19 years old this year:
Shuttle Run - 11.5s B
Sit Ups - 50 A
Sit & reach - 49cm A
Incline Pull up - 11 C
SBJ - 167cm & 171cm D

Besides the disappointing napfa experience, today is also Xinfang's birthday! Yeah, it was pretty shitty, I don't even wanna start talking about it. All I have to say is, Happy Birthday Xinfang! I hope you enjoyed yourself today and had a great time with your cousins. Sorry we failed as classmates after all you've done for us. Still I hope you'll find back your strength and feel better about yourself soon. Sucks to see you like this feeling so low..

This week just sucks altogether la, I purposely didn't run this morning like what my brother advised, to save my energy for Napfa and look! DIDN'T even run at all!! Now I'm getting the paranoid and stressed up feeling about running tmr evening! Ughhh hate this! I hate stressing myself over not running! :((

On a brighter note, I suddenly remember, Charmaine and Zhong Yi said I look good with my hair tied up. ZY said cause I look neater, wad?! Means I've been quite messy la hahaha! I rarely tie up my hair cuz I always thought I looked more round with my hair up haha and that's what some ppl say too. And I grew 1cm! We had to take height and weight and I am officially 165cm YAY!! Hahaha!