Guilty

Okay, I might have went overboard with the Rive Gauche chocolate cake, oh no, scratch that. I WENT overboard with the cake and now I'm feeling the painful effects of overeating :( I've managed to eat only what my body required for slightly over a week now so yesterday when I went crazy over the Iggy's birthday cake, I'm totally regretting it T^T my tummy hurts till today!! Even after I did some boxing and swam for 70 mins.

And by the way, breast stroke with your head above water is bloody tiring!! Dare I say it's more tiring than normal Breast Stroke where u can relax ur head underwater and only come up periodically for air.

"Only ppl who experience anything similar will get it"

It's so true. Recently my GL Who recovered from AN, gave me some tips and advice on bingeing and the diff types of EDs. So far she's the only one who really understands the struggle, and pain of how it sucks to constantly worry about food. Although our problems seem to be on both extremes, it still boils down to one thing, us being worried and obsessed about eating the right amounts and what we should eat. Basically, coping with eating a balanced and well portioned meal.

It's really tough when people around you are just like giving you silly advises that you know are gonna just worsen your metabolism or energy levels despite it being an alternative. I know that if I follow those unprofessional methods, I will definitely rebound back into binge eating like how I am right now. Just because it works for you and probably many others, doesn't mean it'll work for me and many others too. 

It really doesn't help when people are also being like "well, I told you so, so it's your fault". Don't you think I know that already? That's why I'm struggling to try to make things right instead of regretting. If you can't give me constructive advice, please at least have some sensitivity to not use what's at the heart of my emotional & mental stress problems against me. As if I don't already remind myself enough of it, I really do not need anyone else to criticize since I am my own greatest critique. 

Anw, it's been getting really hard and much much tougher than before to keep myself preoccupied and try to live in the moment. I used to be able to still use being in the company of my friends to make me feel happy and take my mind off it. But now, it's gone past the point that even when I'm being with them, I can't seem to bring myself to laugh and completely enjoy their jokes.

It's gone past the point that 90% of the time I wished I could just be alone and spend the whole day doing nothing but figure a way out of this asylum that I've created in my mind and trapped myself within it. I am a bit scared of what will happen, cuz it's like right now, I know what I'm doing is bad for me, but I can't control it either. It's the same feeling I felt when I had AN in primary school but the only difference is now my obsession with food doesn't cause me to be emaciated,

And it's cuz I'm conscious that I don't want to be emaciated, I just wanna be lean and healthy with a small waist, face, body and legs and still keep my boobs(lol), basically just like Candice, but at the same time still feel energetic. I just can't find the balance to be all that, and still be energetic all the time.

The only good thing now is that I find more control when I exercise, although since sch started I can't follow my fitness plans as well as when we had our semester break. Which leads me to feeling stressed about yet another problem. 

And it really doesn't help when I'm studying something I hate but I still don't want to actually fail too badly and graduate without even a third class honors.

At this point all I can say is life truly sucks. Turning 21 was great, on the first week then I start to deteriorate. I really do hope my first wish did manage to fly up eventually, cuz Rita said she saw my first wish balloon got stuck under the bridge 😖 and it's related to one of the things I really want but can't ever have in my life, especially to my diet problems.