It's been a while..

So.. After my previous update on my body type... It's been a total whirlwind for me! Haven't been at my happiest lately... Especially since Uni life started. I don't know how to say this but it's like I am not even satisfied with myself, usually I can be 1% satisfied but now it's like zero. And the scene from A Cinderella Story, where Mrs Montgomery told Sam "Sweetie, now that you're old enough, there's something I've always wanted to tell you, and I think you're ready to hear it. You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright." Got me cracking up when I think of when Iggy and I used this as our inside joke but it's also got me super depressed. It's like I feel like that's exactly what I am now. I'm not smart and I can't even rely on my looks for a living. I just feel really crappy especially with all the school work I have to catch up with, I have to sacrifice all my time just to catch up. It's like where ever I go, as long as there's a table, my books will be out, once I reach hall, it's mugging time. I don't even have tiem to procrastinate, I jsut take out my materials and study. Thankfully the 2 grueling weeks of mugging for Physics and Digital Electronics are over.

During the week that I was studying for Physics, I was so stressed and upset that I cried with my eyes closed and my head down in the LT while my friends went to some EEE Day buffet event. I kept thinking of how I struggled in Secondary School with Math and Physics, I hated those two subjects so much, yet after sulking through 3 years of Engineering in Poly, I've back to square one. Studying once again, about things I don't even give 2 f*cks about (sorry about the vulgarities, but yeah, raging now). I know it's like I sort of have a choice, I could just have applied into Lasalle or smth, take up some fashion internship or something, but to be honest I think I'd rather be able to earn a stable income so I can later do things I'd like than do something I like and struggle with my living expenses. Although I really love fashion, design and art, but I really doubt my passion sometimes. Once things get tough, no matter what I will end up hating it a little on the inside. At least with Engineering I can openly hate it and curse and swear without having that little person n my head saying "Why are you hating it? I thought you loved doing this?". 

Despite all that crap, I'm just so thankful to have my Slutz, Ponggy, Daryl, Putri and Xinfang to talk to. They're the ones who kept me going until now. Reading Gabriel's message to pick myself up really makes me feel stronger and I can achieve what I want eventually, I already survived studying something I hate/ have no interest in at all, I'll surely be able to do wonders when I can finally do the things I love right? But first I need to successfully finish this bloody degree (hopefully without gaining weight and eyebags). Oh and not to mention, Andreas, Xinfang, Eugene, Ziyi, Billy and Putri for teaching me! Especially Andreas, he really taught me everything from scratch, he didn't have to but he still did anyway. :')) I'm really lucky to have met such an amazing friend! Hope I can repay you some day!

Anyway, I guess what's really bugging me most is that on top of struggling to catch up with my school work, in about 4-5 more months, I'll be 21 and I definitely won't be able to reach my goals of getting a hot-Swanepoel-body, judging by my Uni lifestyle now of little exercise. (My goal was to get a hot body like candice by the time I'm 21... :((