Quandary

I can't put my finger on it, but it's like every single effing time you ask anything related to what I've done, something inside me gets so damned pissed and hateful for no apparent reason. Some says it's cuz I don't like you that's why I'm feeling this way?

But the thing is, I don't really have a reason to hate you cuz of all the things you did for me, but you also did cause me a lot of inconvenience. Yet again though those inconveniences may seem trivial to those who aren't experiencing it or will never be affected by it, but I do. So yeah, and it's not to say that I have been a perfect angel too. I'm sure I have inconvenienced you too because of the way I handled those inconveniences you caused me.

But I guess I never had to deal with it and I'm too used to giving in and not rejecting you to begin with that it's slowly starting to become a bane in our friendship.

I really hate myself for being like this and feeling this way and probably making you feel lost/confused/probably angst sometimes but I don't know how to deal with it. I try to think of other possible reasons, like maybe it's cuz I'm stressing over my diet, or maybe I'm not eating enough lately(my period is late, for once in long time, last time it came late was in 2012), so my mood is affected. I have to admit, I am partially starving myself, I mean that's what a caloric deficit is. It's essentially still "starving" but in a "healthier", more controlled and gradual way right? Even if what I am eating now is the portion I should eat, I still feel like I am starved cuz my hunger pangs come quickly.

I'm really confused, but every time I see you in person I don't feel hate. It's only when I don't see you that all this hate and disturbing thoughts roll in. It's also quite annoying that I'm writing about all this sad stuff in my blog since this blog was supposed to be of my happier memories that I'd like to keep, but right now I feel it's easiest to just "pen" my thoughts out instead of rambling to my bff cuz we all know that in the end it's up to me to fix it plus they are all busy with assignments or work. But I'll still tell Abz no matter what, I tell her every single thing :) She's really the only female friend that I want to do everything with over a boyfriend(if Candice Niang Niang will ever grant me one LOL). That's why she's my ultimate bff hahaa! Sorry my girlies, you know I still love you but y'all have other commitments HAHA 

I know that a few days later when I come back to read this post, I'd probably forgot how angst I felt when I saw that Whatsapp message or why I even felt that way, but I did, I am angst and, I don't know why.